Shocking New Study Finds Teachers Grade Students Off Test Scores, Not Sucking Up

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Jordan Becker

BRYN MAWR, PA––In a recent finding, researches reported that teachers at Barrack are grading students based on their test scores and other quantitative metrics, a shock to many of the longstanding teachers’ pets. The results indicated that, despite their hard work in trying to get on their teachers’ good sides, kiss-ups actually receive no credit for answering multiple choice questions with, “your hair looks great today!” Many around the school are struggling to deal with the results. I recently spoke with a student, who asked to remain anonymous, about the recent discoveries. The following is a transcript of our conversation.

Jordan: How did you handle the news that all your hard work in over-complimenting your teachers over the years has had zero effect on your grades?

Student: Well, before we begin, I just really wanted to say that your tie looks really good! Where did you get that from? You always have great style. Sorry, what was the question again?

Jordan: I, uh, was simply asking how you felt about the recent —

Student: Wow! I’m sorry but you just sound so confident right now! Have you been working out?

Jordan: Well, thank you, but no. Anyways, back to the question… 

Student: Oh, yeah. Well, I think the problem may be that we aren’t trying hard enough. We all know Barrack is a great school academically. To really do well, it isn’t enough to ask them how their weekend was or how their children are doing. No, you need to go to their house and find out what they have been up to. Learn their hobbies. Know where your teachers are at all times. Complimenting their outfit is middle school material. If you’re going to succeed in high school you need to become everything your teacher loves and kill everything they hate. That’s really the only way to succeed.

Jordan: Well, thank you for that. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind. 

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