A Comprehensive Guide to the Alternative Boy

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By Ethan Auritt

“They aren’t like other boys,” is what they try to tell you- and it really is the truth. In this guide I will explain the Do’s and Don’t’s to dealing with and handling your very own alternative boy*.

Don’t take your alternative boy to the mall. The mainstream fashion at the mall promotes conformism, and your alternative boy wants you to know that he is definitely not a conformist.
Don’t show your alternative boy your tik toks. He probably won’t find it funny, and he doesn’t like the idea of videos being watched and censored by the oppressive Chinese government.
Don’t take your alternative boy to the AMC or Lowes movie theater. They’d much rather support the underfunded genre of independent cinema.
Don’t wear flashy clothes around your alternative boy. Alternative boys are programmed to sniff out capitalist greed. To win one over, you must approach it with economic modesty.
Don’t play mumble rap or trap music around your alternative boy. Alternative boys have the ability to sniff out talentless music. The official alternative boy handbook states, “Thou shalt not listen to thy Migos.” For more information, see, “A Comprehensive Guide to Talented Music” by the board of alternative boys, better known as B.A.B..
Don’t wear a band shirt around an alternative boy unless you know the band. Don’t try to pull a fast one over the alternative boy, they know the band. If you want to wear a band shirt, you should do some research before you’re spotted by an alternative boy. The consequence for being caught not knowing the band on your shirt is usually an on the spot quiz proving that you don’t know the band.

Do take your alternative boy to the thrift store. The thrift store is like the playground for your alternative boy. He says that recycled fashion is good for the economy and adds to one’s aesthetic, but you don’t really care. You’re just glad he’s talking about something other than socialism as the new frontier.
Do ask your alternative boy for movie recommendations. We all like the Marvel franchise. But let’s face it, that’s not real cinema, at least according to your alternative boy. If you ask him for a recommendation, you may be slightly assaulted with great movie titles, but according to your alternative boy, “Nothing competes with Pulp Fiction. Nothing.”
Do ask your alternative boy for new music recommendations. There’s a 73% chance your alternative boy has a part time gig at the record store, and if he doesn’t, he still really knows his stuff. Your alternative boy will be able to read you and then scan for genre bending and talented artists that may be compatible with your taste. There’s no guarantee that you will love every artist, but according to your alternative boy, “that’s the beauty of it, man. Music is subjective, everything subjective.”

Well there it is, all you need to know about alternative boys. I hope this guide is useful to those who are getting acclimated to their own alternative boys or interested in investing in one. They say they’re not like other boys, and that could not be closer to the truth.

*Alternative Boys are natural to the wild parking lot of concert venues and the skatepark, please do not domesticate.

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