Lauren and Rachel are Dead

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Lauren Mermelstein and Rachel Civan

*Rachel and Lauren are sitting in Shacharit*

Rachel: Why are we here?
Lauren: Uhh, I guess we walked here…like with our feet…?
Rachel: Your feet?
Lauren: Yeah. But the real question is why we have feet in the first place. Like, how did they get there?
Rachel: True. Did we start out with pogo sticks and just evolve from there?
Lauren: Well, we may never know. Sometimes I just look at random things and wonder how they exist and why they exist. But yes, probably pogo sticks.
Rachel: Wait…why are we discussing feet?
Lauren: We probably don’t even need them, either. Like…do toes even keep balance? Just think about it: if we just walked without feet, we would eventually get used to it.
Rachel: Ah, there’s a reason you’re the smart one.
Lauren kicks off her shoes and inspects her toes with intrigue as a group of cheering JLIers approaches the room with a challah.
Lauren: (caught off guard) What are they doing here? Will they give me honorable menschen?
Rachel: You, mensch of the week? What about me?

*JLIers hand Lauren the challah*

Lauren (to Rachel): What do I do? Pose with the challah? What about my face? Smile? And should I stand?
Rachel: Yes, pose with it. Don’t do anything with your face; it’s one of your biggest weaknesses. Sit, but not slouched over. Get it together, woman!
Lauren accepts the challah with a straight face. The JLIers continue cheering as she walks to the front of the room barefoot. The minyan stares, confused.
Lauren (sincerely): Wow. How did I get here? I’d like to thank my fee– Rachel for making me a mensch.
Rachel: Oh my. Stop embarrassing me! I TOLD YOU TO SIT!
Lauren: Wait…but how…?
Rachel: With your feet. They’re attached to your legs.
Lauren: But why…?
Rachel: To sit.
Lauren: For what?

*The JLIers leave as the period ends*

Rachel: Well, onward to second period.
Lauren: Why? How do you know?
Rachel: The bells used to tell us.
Lauren: Bells?
Rachel: Someone stole the bells!
Lauren: Okay, but how do you get to F2?
Rachel: WALK THERE WITH YOUR FEET!
Lauren: Oh, right. There’s a reason you’re the smart one.
Lauren puts her shoes back on. Rachel searches for the door. They exit.

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